Feedback

 I get another email with a photo of my front stoop and a package. The message reads,  “How was your delivery?”

“I laughed, I cried, I nearly wet myself!!!” This is what I feel like writing in response to the endless questionnaires I get whenever something I order is delivered. While I believe in speaking up, especially if the service was poor, or the box was damaged along with whatever was inside. But lately, everyone seems to be starving for feedback, whether it is from a delivery service, an online purchase or a person-to-person experience, such as a hotel stay or a visit to a doctor or a hospital.

Following each doctor visit or medical test, I am called by a computer, requesting that I take a “short” survey over the phone. A chirpy female voice explains that my feedback will help the hospital, doctor, etc, provide better service. That sounds reasonable at first. But after each question, the computer states, “Choose #1 if your answer is “not at all.” “Choose #2 if your answer is “Somewhat.” “Choose #3 if your answer is “Most of the time.” “ Choose #4 if your answer is “All of the time.” Not only is this tedious; it takes up my time. Many of the questions aren’t relevant. I resent speaking with machines, no matter how perky they sound. I don’t know who will be listening to my responses or what they will be used for.

I have, on occasion, written letters in praise of doctors, customer service people, politicians and delivery folk who went out of their way to help me, their customer. I believe in praising people when they deserve it. In pre-technological days, (God bless ‘um)! marketing surveys came only by mail or telephone. Sometimes a person going door-to-door with a questionnaire,would come to the house when I was a kid, but it took one second to say, “Sorry, not interested.” 

People have always been besieged by charities and political campaigns asking for money, but today, the algorithms that sort and analyze you and your tastes online send you ads you are more likely to already agree with. They start with heart-breaking pictures of war, abused children or animals, or, if political, with a photo of the politician you hate making a fool of themself or shouting; anything to inflame passion and cause you to click the “Yes, I oppose________( today’s particular atrocity)! Once you click, you are taken to…a SURVEY to fill out. It’s not an actual survey; it just asks questions it already knows you agree with, hoping to ramp up your outrage. At the end of the “survey” you are asked to give money, preferably on a regular monthly basis.

I think we need to start charging companies fees for responding to surveys. Everyone needs to figure out what they would be paid (or what they are paid) per hour. Each time a computer calls you on behalf of a business or charity, log the amount of time you spend filling out their survey. Then, send the company a nice email explaining why you are billing them for your time. You could say something like, “If I were to suddenly die and I had just spent my last hour of life taking yet another of your surveys, it would have wasted the time I could have spent talking to people I love, walking my dog, taking a French lesson, or creating something. Therefore, I give you fair warning: I will be charging companies for my valuable time which you obviously don’t respect or you would have hired a marketing firm rather than relying on your customers to provide free personal information as well as telling you how yo're doing.”

Then finish up with, “Please let me know if you agree that a person’s personal time is valuable. “Choose #1 if your answer is “I agree totally.” “Choose #2 if your answer is “I sometimes agree.” “Choose #3 if your answer is “I rarely agree.” “ Choose #4 if your answer is “I never agree. If you choose option #1, you will pay me $____per hour for the time I take filling out your surveys in the future.